Is This Fucked Up or Is It Just Me?
I just read something and right now my head is spinning, I am appalled, disgusted and unable to comprehend this sense of logic.
Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of the following twit of someone I thought was pretty cool and that I follow....
Tonight is my last night in an apartment...I really need to clean up, find my keys, & psych myself into finding a spot on the streets Friday
Immediately I sent a message back to ask for clarification and this is the response I received...
I will LITERALLY be living in the streets of SF to save for @NicksTuck. Details: http://bit.ly/NickIsFat
Take a moment and read his post...before continuing on with my post here; just so you can get some background....
OK I am not sure if I am standing on a soap box here or not but you might want to put your seatbelt on, and as always comment, comment, comment let's discuss this either here or over there on Nick's site.
I really want to know what my readers think...
I have struggled with body image for a long time, in fact I can tell you the exact moment it all started...grab a drink, light a smoke » 01 and get ready for a ride.
When I was with my Ex I was very happy in the relationship but lived a very sedentary lifestyle. I worked from home and became very obsessed and focused on the work I did.
I would wake up with my partner when he got up to go for work, he would get ready, we would drink coffee and such and then he would leave.
Well I would keep drinking coffee and sit down at my computer and get "tunnel vision" and just work, work and yes you guessed it work, all the while drinking coffee all day.
Not only would I forget to eat but caffeine is an appetite suppressant as well as a stimulant so I would just keep on plugging away....until my partner got home.
By this time I would be STARVING and since I did most of the cooking, never really learned how to cook for only 2 people but more adept at cooking for 6 I would cook way too much food.
On top of that I hated » 02 eating left-overs, so because money was tight I did not want to see the food go to waste so with that massive appetite I would eat it all up.
Then my partner and I would sit on the couch, watch a couple hours of TV and then go to bed.
Now you are probably asking yourself why I let it slip.
Here is the reason, I didn't feel any different as I was packing on the pounds, plus this man » 03 that I saw as the hottest and sexiest man, was into me and all over me and we were having hot, amazing, exhausting sex!
Coupled with that the fact that we only had 1 mirror in the apartment, a mirror over the bathroom sink, so I only saw myself from the top of my head to just above my nipples. I never saw what I really looked like from head to toe.
We all have to admit » 04 that we look different in a mirror than we look when we look down at ourselves.
I could still see my dick so I didn't think I was gaining weight...well OK yes I had to buy bigger pants but I did not see a huge difference.
Then one weekend my partner and I went away for the weekend and stayed at a hotel and my world came to a crashing halt.
The first morning we were there I hopped in the shower completely oblivious to the HUGE mirror that was on the wall...
UNTIL I got out of the shower and reached for a towel and I saw how HUGE I had become.
I stood there in shock, time stood still and I went completely numb...until...
I threw up.
I was so disgusted and shocked by what I saw that I become sick to my stomach.
It wasn't long after that weekend that we broke up » 05 and I was at my sister's place » 06 and I stepped on her digital scale.
I looked down in horror and saw the numbers 310 flashing back at me!
310 pounds! I just about passed out.
Shortly after that I started my new career and because of this my eating habits were forcibly changed and I was moving more.
In a matter of 3 months I dropped 60lbs without even doing anything other than trying to grab a mouthful of something while at work and running my ass off on the air craft.
I ended up at a plateau of 240lbs and dropped a couple of inches of the waist size and had to buy myself some more clothes, all the while feeling better...I was pretty happy but still self-conscious of my appearance.
Fast forward some and I had the misfortune of getting very severe cases of food poisoning, back to back, and that helped me drop another 20lbs.
Not the best way to do it but I started to look better and feel EVEN better and gained some self confidence.
Then I met a dude that was big into water polo and he and I would go swimming every day and do his work out routine in the pool. He had a bit of convincing to do to get me to wear a bathing suit in the pool at my building but I did it and am so glad I did.
I became addicted to swimming and would go 2 times a day whether he was there or not.
I felt good! But then winter hit and I stopped.
For those of you that follow me on Twitter and have read the past couple of days you know that I have started jogging daily.
If you had told me a few months ago, never mind a year ago, that I would be jogging every day, I would have told you that you were a nut case and needed to be committed.
I have never been shy from physical exertion I have been shy of looking like an idiot or failing. I do not want to look like a fool.
Some how I managed to get over that with jogging, In the past 2 weeks I have learned that firstly I need patience and secondly what I am capable of doing right now is doing the trick and I am seeing the results from that and continue to be encouraged.
I have to hold myself back. I see the results and I want more…and I want it now. » 07
So this brings me to my response to Nick’s post.
I am unable to comprehend this level of drastic behaviour. There are sacrifices I am and have been willing to make but this one takes the cake.
I really do not see this » 08 as a physical health issue but rather a mental health issue that really needs to be looked at first.
I also can’t respect the approach Nick has taken, like we are supposed to feel something for him. This was a conscious decision he made, as unfounded as we think it is, he made it, deal with it Nick.
I can not see Nick truly finding his happy space from this endeavour, and even if he is self satisfied with his final appearance, will he be able to realise what he lost to achieve that “look”.
I can not help to think it will be an empty space. A let down.
But I am very much open to being proven wrong so bring it on Nick.
I wanted to stop following Nick because I was so disgusted by this rash, illogical and absurd » 09 decision but my curiosity will keep my following but no too closely.
If I think about it, or see a message pop up I will read it but I won’t be actively following it.
If Nick reads this I invite him to keep adding comments on his progress…would be interesting to see if he feels he made the right decision.
Right now I can’t help but think that there are other people out there that have worse problems and this is so trivial…
I added my photo to be sure that NO ONE gave me grief for hiding. I am proud of my accomplishment but still not comfortable with the image that I want to have, what is my main motivation? HEALTH!
I was talking to one of my closest friends, Brad T, about jogging everyday and he is a little hottie gym bunny, and I mentioned that I noticed that my belly was jiggling more while I ran. He took it as I was being hard on myself and he actually said to me, "Dude you need to give yourself more credit!"
I do give myself credit. The reason my belly jiggles more because there is less fat and the skin needs to retract...hopefully it happens as fast as I want it to but this brings me back to being patient...
I am looking forward to hitting the gym as soon as my shoulder heals so I can then bulk up and fill out that skin and look more like this hot hunk of man....
Here Are the Foot Notes...
- if you like puffy treats ↩
- and still do ↩
- my partner ↩
- and it is time to be honest here ↩
- unrelated issues ↩
- this is in itself another story ↩
- thankfully the Boyfriend keeps me in check but constantly encourages me with support and positive reinforcement ↩
- Nick’s issue ↩
- all in my opinion ↩
turnipHed Recommends Visiting...
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@NickStarr ok trying again – keep getting an error – http://bit.ly/13DsSl
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
This is a great story and to add my 2 cents, one of my good friends a few years back had a weight problem and decided to go for a lipo..
The only problem with that, is once you get it, you need to stop sitting in front of the tv eating a bag of chips...
For the money spent once done you really need to maintain it so it does not come back.
For my Friend it did (Shocking never knew Chips would do that hehe) anyways he complained to the clinic and said it did not work....(Lied as he did nothing to maintain his new look)
So they did it again but stated after that they had removed what seemed like "New" fat and therefore no more procedures would be done, this was a maintenance issue.
So fast forward 2 years and the belly was back...
So this time he started Running as his partner runs every day and he decided instead of watching TV all evening he would join him.
Just like You it was hard at first but after a while he started seeing the results. (Just like I commented to you.. Your slimming down and looking good - Note you already looked good before in case you did not know) anyways he realized that he spent all that money for nothing as he did not maintain it.
So to your Friends Blog, Hope it works but like you said is it worth it if you don't learn the maintenance portion...eating well, exercise...
Anyways I think this is more than 2 cents more like a few dollars worth of babble...
I am very glad you brought up the topic of maintenance. As a kid my mother tried every "fad" diet that was out there and never lost weight other than be deprivation, she in a sense starved her body.
She was miserable to be around, she was unhealthy and did not learn anything about a proper diet, exercise or any thing under that umbrella of living a healthier lifestyle.
The biggest change for me was FORCING myself to eat in the morning, when I woke up. I did not care what I ate, as long as I got something in my stomach and kick started my metabolism.
Brace yourself; I didn't care if it was a MARS bar or a brownie, if I ate something I ate. I HATE eating in the morning, in fact today I had to force myself to eat an English Muffin with Cream Cheese and not gag.
But if I do that my metabolism goes into high gear and I am hungry all day and burning off fat!
The other thing my Mother never learned was to get over her distaste for water.
Water is the BEST thing for you to flush out your system, keep you hydrated, full and all your organs healthy, including your BIGGEST organ ---> your skin!
I try and drink at least 2 litres of water a day if not 3, sure I have to pee more but then with the regime the Boyfriend and I have started it works out well --- 10 push ups for every time you pee, mind you I am doing crunches until my shoulder is better but then we might graduate the crunches to something else.
I think it's great that you blogged about this in response to NickStarr's crusade.
While what he does is definitely his own perogative, it's important to have these testimonials to alternative, more healthy approaches to dealing with weight/self image.
It's inspiring for those who wish to improve their health.
I strongly agree with you that every person should and does have the ability and right to persue their own agenda.
As long as they do not hurt anyone else in the process, this really boils down to a personal moral issue for myself.
Thanks for your contribution - means a lot to me...
Ok, first off I think you look utterly amazing and am pissed you waited till now to show me your progress.
Second i cant even begin to fathom what would make this kid decide to do this.
And third what I meant was to give yourself time.
These changes don't happen over night, they take months to happen but believe me stick with it cause your lookin HOT!!!!
Well as much as I love you, you will have to be pissed and can be pissed all you want because I was too shy and embarrassed to show myself before, still was very hard to take that photo but I was not going to be called a hypocrite.
I think I covered my position on your second point and I am very glad you shared yours, that is why I invest so much time in this blog/site to share and bring people together whether they agree or disagree. There is always the chance to learn something and change your perspective.
I agree with you on your third point, I am giving myself time but I am anxious and excited about results because the next time you come up to visit and we are standing at the bar and you are all cute and bashful when I tell you to flex and you finally do it - I am gonna flex back and put you to shame and make you look small!
(i love you bro)
Be fair - all of you. Nick lost as much weight as you by exercising and dieting and he has maintained that weight for a long time. Just like you - and may I say that your story is truely inspiring.
The problem with past and lengthy obesity it that the skin doesnt retract fully. It's quite normal to get that removed.
Living on the streets to finance it though seems like pure madness but I live in a civilized country with public healthcare so I should not judge anyone.
My sole issue here is choosing to remove a roof over his head - find other ways to finance the endeavor but choosing to be homeless as a priority that is fucked up.
Take another job, cut out the extras in life, but a roof over your head - that is where I take issue....and then question the motivation of the whole process
I enjoyed your blog post re: NickStarr. I think its inspiring and glad you commented on it
@rodrigdb - really do appreciate you commenting and adding to the conversation - hope to see you here more often...
the best option here is to just ignore him... he is always screaming out for attention, and this is just his latest antic...
no amount of encouragement will help, i have told him time and time again, happiness comes from within. you look great now, be proud that you have accomplished what most people can't even fathom, but i can't get through so i just gave up.
i must admit that i've been a skinny bitch for most of my life, but i was pretty chunky for a while in high school, and being a fat adolescent in LA was no piece of cake. everybody has body issues, you can be totally ripped and buff and still have problems with the fact that your arms aren't as big as what you would like.
i think that if you truly believe that people want to date you only because you look a certain way, then those few extra pounds or those wrinkles are the least of your problems (i dealt with these issues again when i turned 30, when i didnt think i can pull off cute anymore LOL) happiness and content-ment comes from within, and people are drawn to that, not your looks which will fade in a few years.
I am SO proud of you Jason! You look great! I choose tennis instead of jogging. This week alone, I have five tennis matches in six days. I can (and do) eat anything I want. I still work out 3-4 times a week... but I have more of a lean build from all that cardio.
Brett - thanks so much for your encouragement and support --- can't wait until I look as good as you do when you is nekid!
This is the first time I have read your blog but I agree 100% . . . I do agree this is total insanity to put oneself in that kind of danger by *choice* to save money for selective surgery. There are other ways to save rather than giving up your home. I have seen Nick spend hundreds and hundreds (well thousands if you add it up I'm sure) of dollars on shit he doesn't need and then bitch about having no money. Gadgets etc etc. Seriously!
I do hope that he saves the money quick enough to get back in a safe apartment and get off the streets..
I agree Turnip.